Despite my best attempts to take part in the current generation of video game consoles, I have been utterly unable to procure my platform of choice, that being the Nintendo Wii. I have been trying to get one for months to no avail. I know they exist. In fact, I know they exist within a five mile radius. It would seem, however, that most stores keep their Wiis in some kind of quantum state, managing inventory via the Heisenberg Uncertainty principle. That is to say that merely observing the Wii inventory can cause it to change. Take this conversation I had with the fine young man in the video games department at Best Buy recently:

Me: Do you have any Wiis?
Dude: Ha! No.
Me: So do you know when you’ll be getting some in?
Dude: Sometimes, we get a few on Tuesdays.
Me: What is this, Rain Man?
Dude: What?
Me: Nevermind. So you get them on certain Tuesdays. Could I say…call on Tuesday and see if you have any?
Dude: Ha! No.
Me: So basically the only way I could even find out if you have the thing is to drive here every Tuesday morning and wait for the store to open.
Dude: Yeah. You know, there’s actually a group of guys who meet at the Starbucks next door every Tuesday and wait for the store to open.
Me: Wow, that’s profoundly sad. Has any of them been able to purchase a Wii?
Dude: Ha! No.
Me: Do you have any Xbox 360s?

And lo, I did purchase an Xbox 360. Granted, the 360 was not a complete impulse buy, considering my aging PC video card turned BioShock into an experience I like to call Slides From My Trip To Rapture. Having recently purchased one of those fancy flat-screen HDTVs, I also grabbed a ragga-fragga-fifty-dollar HDMI cable. There was also the obligatory Halo 3, an “extra” controller (It comes with one. It’s like they know you’re lonely.) and something I think they called “Xbox Live Triple Platinum Carmel Macchiato”. I winced as I signed the credit card slip, but damn it, I was finally relevant again.

I brought it home and set it up. Before long, my brother and I were playing something called “Slayer” in Halo 3. (Where I come from, they call that “deathmatch”. You know, because people die. In the game. Nevermind.) It was around this time, sadly, that I learned the mouse and keyboard skills I had been honing since Quake 2 did not translate to a pair of thumb sticks. “Slayer” turned out to be a pretty apt name for the game mode, but I think “Firing Squad” might have been more accurate. Jeff is a seasoned veteran of Halo 2 on the original Xbox, and that does translate, right down to the finer points. After an hour or so of having my ass handed to me with everything from rocket launchers to something resembling a salad shooter, Jeff said something to the effect of “Look, keep practicing. It’s not like I can get any better.”

I did improve after a while. You see, Halo 3 has this other mode called “campaign”, the sole purpose of which seems to be training you for multi-player mode. At least I’m guessing that’s why they put that in, because you play it by yourself and I couldn’t detect any hint of a storyline behind it.

For a time, all this was good. The Xbox had done something very positive: It got me out from in front of my computer… and on to the couch. Something was missing from my overall video gaming experience, though: other people. Aside from the occasional aforementioned rounds of “Jeff Using Various Implements to Harm Jaybill”, there really wasn’t a lot in the way of games everyone in the house could pick up and play. Something had to be done.

I went to my local game store and purchased a used Gamecube, four wireless controllers and Mario Kart. I brought it home, hooked it up and before long, we were all screaming obscenities at the television just like we used to. Just like the old days, before I sold the Gamecube and all the games to purchase a Nintendo DS during leaner financial times.

So while I have yet to achieve the coveted Wii60, at least everyone in the house can enjoy video games until winter is over and we can go outside again.

Oh, if you’re interested, my “gamertag” (whatever the crap that means) on Xbox Live is Amma Hurchu. I welcome anyone who wants to see the kind of damage I can inflict with that salad shooter thingy.

I’m really starting to feel sorry for Sony fanboys these days. I mean, they’ve already had to mortgage their (mom’s) houses to buy a PS3, only to find out that there were no real games for it. Today’s announcement really seems like pouring lemon juice in a paper cut.

In what I think can officially be called “months late”, Sony announced Game 3.0, their online community…strategy…thing. Unlike Xbox Live, which lets you do crazy stuff like, say, buy and play video games, it would seem the core of the Sony offering is called “Home” or “LittleBigPlanet” (I couldn’t really tell, it was too complicated) which is something like Second Life. The difference is that in Second Life, there’s about a 15% chance that the hot girl you’re talking to is not a dude. I think I can safely say that any online community involving the purchase of a $600 console with no games is pretty much going to consist exclusively of Sony fanboys talking about how gay Nintendo is.

By contrast, Nintendo seems to have really figured out how to get girls to play video games. The secret recipe seems to involve “a console that costs less than $600″ and “games that do not take place in dark, dirty hallways” and “have Mario”. Their online offering seems easy to use, intuitive and, well, inhabited by people that seem to want to do something besides trade “your mom” burns.

So yeah, Sony, take note. Maybe you could poorly copy Nintendo’s online offering the way you poorly copied their motion-sensing controller. Call it “Game Thrii”. You can use that. I don’t want any money for it or anything. And take heart! You’ve still got the best selling console!