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Here’s a picture of me, taken a few days ago:

Here’s a picture of me taken about a year and a half ago:

The first picture is the heaviest I’ve ever been. 280 pounds. The second picture is the thinnest I’ve been in recent history, probably about 240. I was still overweight, but not nearly as bad as I am now.

Why am I telling you this? Because today is the beginning of a new era for me. One in which I am not fat. One where I do not get exhausted after half an hour of moderate activity. One where my back doesn’t hurt all the time. One where my clothes fit. One where I am not cruising headlong for Type 2 Diabetes and early death. I am telling you this because I am going to use fear of public humiliation as my primary weight-loss tool.

The Hundred Pound Countdown

As previously stated, I weigh almost 300 pounds. I really should weigh more like 200 pounds. That’s a difference of (wait for it) like 100 pounds. Just for the sake of argument, let’s call my goal weight 200 pounds, meaning I’ve got to lose like 80. Okay, so not quite 100, but “eighty pound countdown” doesn’t have the same ring to it. So, inspired by this guy, here’s my plan:

1. I will get down to 200 lbs and stay there.
2. I will weigh myself every Monday and post it on Twitter. (#100lbcountdown)
3. I will take a picture of myself every Monday and post it on Twitter. (#100lbcountdown)
4. I will only snack on fruits and vegetables.
5. I will eat three meals a day, and they will be awesome and delicious.
6. I will not eat after dinner.
7. I will not eat crap in the form of processed food or fast food.
8. I will walk outside for no less than 30 minutes every day.
9. I will take a fiber supplement (because, well, you know.)
10. If I break a rule, I will post the infraction on Twitter. (#100lbcountdown)

Do Me a Favor

Don’t “encourage” me. F@%k encouragement. What I need right now is derision. Tell me what a fat, unhealthy slob I am. Mock me mercilessly when I cock this up (as I inevitably will). This isn’t something fun I’m doing just for the hell of it. I’m fat and sad and I don’t want to live with it or die from it. Here’s hoping my ego is bigger than my paunch.

I seem to have a sickness that causes me to start new web projects. The latest symptom of this is something I’m calling fridgetoons. Essentially, I have a bunch of magnetic letters on my fridge next to a whiteboard. My housemates come along and arrange the letters in to a caption. I then illustrate the caption on the whiteboard. I take a picture of the results and post them on the Internet. Once in a while, they end up being funny.

It’s been a pretty satisfying project so far, mainly because I can draw them quickly and they aren’t “precious”. My earlier attempts at comics failed because it took me more than a week to do each page. I suppose if the outcomes were awesome, I could have justified it (there are those that can) but the results were always sub-par. These comics, on the other hand, are intentionally sub-par, which is somehow psychologically liberating, resulting in more output. This is all to say that I’ve produced quite a few of them in a pretty short period of time. There’s even an accidental guest strip by a totally famous web cartoonist who happened to be getting something out of my fridge.

Well, the votes are in and I have returned from the optometrist and spectacle monger. I more or less went with #5 from the poll. It’s like my grandfather always said, “Don’t buy glasses until you ask the Internet.” Okay, he never said that, but he would have if he had been around for the Internet. As it stands, he sort of just missed it.

I really like how these look, if I do say so myself. Some kind of weird cross between Henry Rollins in Johnny Mnemonic and Ray Smuckles in every Achewood strip since 2004. I guess I most closely resemble M.C. Serch, which is pretty rad, considering that he has basically been my hero since middle school. He is, even still. Even after The (White) Rapper.

I suppose that while this is clearly a win for fashion, the really awesome part is that I can actually use a computer without getting a pounding headache.

So thanks for telling me which pair of glasses to buy, Internet! I won’t forget this!

I am apparently getting old and falling apart. Within the past few months it has become clear that I need to get fitted for a pair of glasses. I have narrowed it down to six pairs that could potentially work on my fat freaking face. They are below. Would you kindly take a second and tell me which one you think looks best? I would greatly appreciate it.

Yes, I know the temple is missing on a few of them. This is a low-budget operation. Use your imagination.

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It’s 2010! According to most credible science fiction, that means that it is now the future. Granted, we do not have flying cars, but then I’m writing about that from a tiny supercomputer sitting on my lap that’s connected to a global network via an invisible wireless connection. I’d say we’re doing right by Asimov at this point.

Because it’s the beginning of both a year and a decade, I had the totally original idea of setting some goals for the year to come. To be honest, this is one of those blog posts that’s really more for me than it is for you. I mean, sure, I want you to read it, but that’s mainly so you can make fun of me in 2011 when I don’t actually do half of these things. Despite the timing, this list shouldn’t be considered “New Year’s Resolutions” per se.  The only real criteria for putting things on this list was that I must conceivably be able to check said things off within 2010. So here’s my list, in no particular order.

Lose Like…A Hundred Pounds

I am fat. I’m not kidding. I make jokes about it all the time. The fact of it is that if I keep carrying around all this extra weight I’m putting myself at risk for a bunch of terrible things, say nothing of the fact that it diminishes the quality of my life on a daily basis. No more. I am launching an all out war on fat. Let’s hope it goes better than The War on TerrorTM or The War on DrugsTM.

Be a Better Blogger

Historically, I’ve been kind of half-assed about my website. I keep committing to update it regularly and failing. It needs to be more worthwhile to read so that more people will read it. I’d also like to add some kind of podcast or video blog component to it. (I will not use the word “vlog”. Wait, I just did. Dammit.) I also one to pick a few areas of subject matter to focus on, rather than continuing the mish-mash whatever I’ve been doing so far.

Be a Better Maker

I need to re-reorganize my shop. Then I need to use it to finish a few projects. I’m long on ideas short on finished projects. I also need to do more with my sewing machine, as it is awesome and capable of doing a ton of cool and money-saving things. Making stuff is fun and rewarding. I enjoy doing it. I need to do it more.

Finish My Novel

While I did not succeed in mashing out the requisite fifty thousand words I needed to call NaNoWriMo a success, I actually didn’t fail nearly as hard as I thought. I came up with a story and characters that I’m really excited to develop further. I need to finish writing it, preferably before the next NaNoWriMo.

Make New Some Music

I used to be really into music production. I very much enjoy writing and recording music. I need to get back into it, preferably by producing an album-sized body of work. I really want to pick up guitar again. Now that Propellerhead is making recording software, I’m totally excited about getting into it again.

Take The Next Step in Education

This one is sort of intentionally vague and will likely take several years, but I have to start somewhere. I want to get a masters degree (at least) in something awesome, like astrobiology or evolutionary biology. These areas of study fascinate me, and its maddening that I don’t know more about them.

Create a Financially Viable Web Property

I’ve been talking about and half-assing this goal for a while, but I need to just bang out out. I need to pick one of my many half-finished projects and complete it. I want to do something that can more or less run on its own and cover my basic bills.

So that’s my list. What’s on your list for this year?